I continued attending the Sunday service. Aside from the usual Sunday worship service, there were other Church activities during weekdays. Other activities were announced during the Sunday service, we were encouraged to attend our respective group designation. There was a group for women, youth, and also prayer meetings during Fridays. I once attended a prayer meeting. I didn't have the slightest idea of what would happen, but one thing I was sure of, we were going to pray, and that was because it was called a prayer meeting. Wasn't it obvious?

I attended a prayer meeting. I was nervous. I arrived on time thinking that I didn't want to have any conversation with other people. I just wanted to reserve my seat and listen or pray or whatever I must do during the meeting. I didn't intend to meet and greet others, it was never easy for me to do that. It always felt like all hell break loose in my mind when I met strangers.

The prayer meeting started late. While I was waiting, there were only three of us, and a woman whom I knew during my childhood days and tried her best to engage me in a conversation. Mostly, she was the one who did the talking. She tried to show me thru her stories how blessed she was, how wonderful her family was. I listened to her patiently while I tried to put on the appropriate expression on my face on everything that she said.

I arrived at 7:30 in the evening, but the prayer meeting started at 8 or 8:30 the most. There was a lecture about a story from the New Testament. I remember something about Bethpage from the discussion of the Bishop, I am not even sure. At the end of the lecture, we prayed by a partner and some solo. I was with a partner and I was nervous, as always. She was kind enough to pray for me, and I didn't pray for her. Why? Because I didn't know how to or more like I was afraid that others would hear my prayer and discover how ugly the way I pray. After she prayed for me, I told her I would go home though I knew that the prayer meeting had not yet reached its conclusion. Others were still praying, but I was determined to leave. I felt insecure. That was the first and last time I attended the prayer meeting.

After that incident in the prayer meeting, I still continue attending the church. There were times that I missed the Sunday service because of my graduate studies. I listened to the message every Sunday and felt blessed every day. I knew I was on the right track. God wanted me to be where I was during those times.

During those times when I felt satisfied with my faith in and relationship with Him, there was a friend of mine who kept on insisting that I attend their D-group. Discipleship group or D-group is like a Bible study meeting. I rejected him a few times but eventually gave in because he was so persistent. I also started to seek more. More of Him.

It was a couples' D-group. A group composed of less and not more than ten, they were welcoming and accommodating, but I felt a little out of place since I was the only single in the group. I learned a lot from the discussion and looked forward to attending a D-group. I attended twice if I remember correctly. But eventually, I stopped attending the D-group session. I was not comfortable that I was the only single in the group. 

Few months had passed and that same friend of mine nagged me about attending just one service of the church he and his wife was attending to. Again, he kept on bugging me, but this time I didn't give in. I was busy with my graduate studies and already attending a church why I would bother going to other churches.

One day, at the end of my last semester in my graduate studies and that, was November 2019, I just decided to grant my friend's request, I attended one service on a Sunday morning. After listening to a live-stream service from the main church, I was blessed. I was convicted. Since then, everything was never the same. I was never the same. 

While I was getting acquainted with my new local church, adoration and praises would not cease coming out of my mind and heart. They just overflowed. I was able to compile them in a book that I just recently released on my birthday this year. I feel blessed. God never left me. In my trying times, He was there with me, always. He provided kind human beings to support and understand me. I am forever thankful and grateful. I am saved. I am redeemed. 

And good news! I belong now to an all-girls D-group for singles.

This is the book I mentioned. 

Click the photo if you want a copy.

~the end~

I have always been intrigued by the works of Paulo Coelho. I have always been seeing posts about his books on some of the Facebook group pages I belong to. Most of the books are raving about how good his books are. It was only during the Big Bad Wolf Manila 2020 I was able to purchase a copy of his books. I bought The Deluxe Collection with 12 of his books. It was such a joy that I finally got hold a copy of his books.

During the fourth week of Enhanced Community Quarantine or ECQ in Luzon due to CoVid-19, I decided to unpack the book set. It was another moment of happiness for me. I like books, and I like them more when they are brand new and freshly unpacked from their protective seal.

The Deluxe Collection consists the following works by Mr. Coelho:

The Alchemist

Veronika Decides to Die

The Zahir

The Valkyries

The Witch of Portobello

The Pilgrimage

By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

Eleven Minutes

The Devil and Miss Prym

The Fifth Mountain

I was thinking about what book should I start with. After taking some moments, I decided to follow the order of the books, by how it was arranged in the box. I began reading with The Alchemist, which is also his most famous work based on how readers from the Facebook group page fan about.

Compelling, Spiritual, and Nostalgic. These three words definitely describe my experience as I read the book. It is compelling, demanding to be read, to be paid attention to. The philosophy behind the theme of the book is something that I also strongly believe in. It feels nostalgic that I had the same thoughts with the book's theme or maybe the same with the writer. As I grew up and became an adult, I decided to tuck in that belief under the sheets of my forgotten or forced to be forgotten dreams. I believe in destiny, in God's given purpose in my life. More so, I believe in God. I thought He is just an entity to believe in, someone that needs to be recognized so I will not receive His wrath. I realized that my perspective and knowledge is just a speck of His true nature. I was missing a lot of who is God when I had not yet decided to seek Him more and desire for an intimate relationship with Him.

Reading The Alchemist gave a little boost in me of how amazing my God is, the Almighty God I am serving. I'd like the conspiracy of the universe. It is not black magic, it is not cult. It simply as it meant to be, that the universe will conspire to favor you, if you honestly and sincerely dream a dream and risk everything for that dream, it will even conspire to fulfill that dream of yours, if only if you truly desire it with all your heart and if it's anchored to God's original plan to your life. No matter where you are, no matter what happens as long you put your trust and faith in God, He will guide you to that path as you fulfill your purpose in life.

The shepherd sought his treasure in the story, he met people who were able to help him to fulfill his dream in the long run. It did not happen overnight, it took years, a long journey to fulfill his dream, to find his treasure. Along the journey he was able to meet the love of his life and discover that love is not taking possession of what is yours, rather it is letting go. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also is a significant line in the story. It has been mentioned quite a few times in the book and it is very familiar to me because it is something that can also be found in the Bible. It was mentioned twice from Matthew 6:21 and Luke 12:34. I love how this Bible verse was entirely the very clue to the shepherd where he can find his treasure. Have a heart that listens to God's plan in your life. A heart that is not deceitful, does not seek evil. Instead, a heart that is pure, made possible by Christ through the Holy Spirit. For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

May we all fulfill our God's given purpose in this life. God bless your strong heart!

My mother had invited me many times to attend a Sunday service at the church she had been attending, and I always declined her offer thinking I was busy and it would just get in the way of my plans. I was satisfied with my relationship with God. I believed in Him. I read the Bible from time to time. I bought Christian-based books. I was a self-proclaimed Christian though He was never my priority. He was just on the sideline of my life. I was at liberty to include Him in my day to day life at my own convenience. I thought that was enough.

When everything fell apart, I realized how I was a jerk with that kind of mindset. I was ashamed and guilty of what I had done, of what I had been doing in my life.  I lived my life as if it's my own as if I didn't owe Him my life, as if I had made everything possible with my own strength and will alone. I was the center of my world. When my mother invited me again to attend a Sunday service during my trying times, I accepted it. I was taking chances. If it was only Him who could heal me, take away the pain, the guilt, and the shame that I felt, then I was willing to take chances and I had nothing to lose anyway. I was lost anyway.

I started going to every Sunday service and I desired to have a complete attendance even though I was attending classes of my post-graduate studies every Saturday and Sunday. I was determined to always write notes about the message. Most of the time, I always cried during worship. I couldn't help it. Tears were just there, and after I cried I just felt a little better.  I was regularly attending the Sunday service, and I came to like the new routine in my life. I decided to get baptized knowing that if I do it means that I would surrender my life to Jesus and He'll be the center of my life. It means that everything I do, I do it for Him, for His glory. I thought attending a church would be a burden, but it was not.

It was April when I was also volunteered in the Sunday school during one summer vacation. I was not sure if teaching in a Sunday school was the same as teaching in an academic school and I was afraid that I might not be able to teach the true message of Christ. But with God's grace, I was able to finish that week. Surprisingly, I enjoyed teaching the kids even it was tiring, I still got joy from it.

Enhanced Community Quarantine was implemented in March 2020, and it is already April. The first week of ECQ was exciting and felt liberated from the usual and occasional toxic life I had at work. As we went on the first week Luzon's ECQ, I acquainted myself with my family about the updates on CoViD-19 by regularly watching news on TV, but we got tired of the news. They were just repeated every single day in every news program and the continuous increase of CoViD-19 patient did not make us feel any better. I stopped turning on the TV and diverted my watching time to social media which was not really the best diversion I needed during those time. I even subscribed to Netflix to watch k-drama, Ghibli movies and documentary films, so I could have other options online during this ECQ. Watching Netflix and reading manhua/manga went on until the third of ECQ. It was on the fourth week ECQ that I decided to stop depending on online entertainment, I needed to get a hold of myself I was turning into a 'netizen' anytime soon if I God didn't intervene with my unhealthy routine. Re-calibration happened, I did some gardening after watching how on Youtube and getting free seeds from the office of City Agriculture of City of Santa Rosa through the office of our barangay; I compiled my prose and poems and published an e-book on my birthday; and I got back with my to be read books, there are few of them.

I just released a book on Amazon. You can get an e-book copy for less than a dollar (now $2.99).

My turn to see the doctor came up and I was feeling cold. I was not sure if it was because I was nervous or it was the just air conditioner of the hospital working on my body temperature. I was the last person in the line. It was just I and my mother. I entered the room alone. I didn't ask my mother to come with me since she didn't also volunteer. I thought entering the room alone was a better option. The doctor sat on a chair behind her table. The room's motif was all white. I sat on a chair in front of her table. There was a little distance between us.  

The doctor asked me how I felt. I couldn't talk properly, I kept on stuttering due to the cold I felt from the air conditioner. I told her how I felt sad, I didn't want my job, I always cried, I was very sensitive, that there was a student who committed suicide at school and people kept on dying around our area of residence, and I also told her about my father, how he used to get drunk and hurt my mom, turn our house into chaos, then after doing that he would just leave us at home. The doctor told me she understood me. She knew that what I was going through was tough. She also asked me I was into drugs or alcohol, I answered no right away. She prescribed a medicine for me, an anti-depressant, and reminded me that I should eat or drink chocolate, coffee, soda, or anything similar to these foods. But there was one thing that I didn't tell the doctor. I wonder if I had told her about it, would I return for the next appointment?

~end of part 3~

I was in deep thought,

when someone gave me a broth.

I was confused and surprised.

I prayed it would not be my demise.

I declined his offer,

but he insisted improperly.

He fished a spoonful of soup,

and it just looked like poop.

I struggled with his action

and forced me to the portion.

He grabbed me on my jaw

and glared at me in awe.

I felt chills through his stares,

and I could see all his cares.

Was it sad that I saw?

Like his soul had been sold.

I just felt pity for him,

I saw his sorrows in teeming.

He was a neglected boy,

who never received a toy.

Sometimes he was beaten up,

and wouldn’t let him be by his pop.

Because of a failed given task,

he tried to put a smile like a mask.

He worked hard on the farm

as if it would work like a charm.

Pleasing his parents made him a fool,

hatred started to deepen like a pool.

His effort was wasted,

it was underappreciated.

Before he realized it,

he was already in a pit.

His life drastically changed,

as if he was freed from a cage.

He lived his life restlessly

and treated life hopelessly.

One night he committed

a sin that should be convicted.

He escaped like a fugitive

and lived a life of secretive.

He got married to a girl,

who had experienced twist and twirl.

His past seemed to be trivial,

she didn’t care about the slayer’s arrival.

She was happy to find someone,

who would stand for her as a man.

But she was deceived by her illusion

and realized he was a disillusioned.

A year passed and she bore a child.

Two years passed, he became a dead child.

She once thought it was the price.

Of the deed, he had done out of cries.

I saw tears falling down,

from his old face in a frown,

He resorted to violence,

and forgot his innocence.

I wondered if he did repentance

because he was given a second chance.

Well, he seemed to be repentant

and tried to focus on what was important.

I stayed at home for a week and didn't come to school. I didn't care if there would be nothing left in my salary. I just didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to teach. My thought was what's the point of doing all these when I would just die. Everyone would just die. Why even try to live in the pain was the only thing you can get out of living a temporal life on earth... might as well die. Physical death is gaining freedom. I was also ready to cut ties from my work. I prepared my resignation letter. I only needed to submit it. My mother allowed me to resign in one condition, and that was I can apply for other jobs except for teaching because I really, really didn't want to teach anymore. I might as well be a domestic helper abroad somewhere in the middle east instead of teaching.

That's why I applied online to be a DH. I went to a recruiting agency somewhere in Quezon City. I had my agent, she was excited to send me abroad. She even held my passport just to be sure. But as always, it didn't go the way I planned it. My recruiter told me that I needed to renew my passport even though it was still six months before its expiration. She even asked me to entrust her with the passport, and that she would be the one to renew the passport. I didn't like the idea. I was suspicious that she might do something illegal with my passport. I retrieved my passport from her and decided to go home. So I went home defeated, and again, failed with my plans. I guess I really don't have the guts to be a domestic helper. I was a coward, again, more so indecisive, confused in this world I badly wanted to get rid of.

I was absent for a week and thought that I would be dismissed from my job because of my AWOL (Absence Without Leave). Some of my co-workers were asking me if I was alright or what happened to me, but I didn't have the courage to tell them what I was going through. They never got a decent answer from me and I never wanted to talk to anybody during those times. Everyone was a toxic person for me, except for a few sincere persons who had been patient with me. I was grateful to them.

I tried to return to school after a week since I failed in getting a job abroad. But returning to school didn't go well, it was a disaster. I was a subject coordinator and had to attend meetings with my superiors. Some of them had sharp tongues. Reckless and tactless. I was super sensitive during those times. There was a time when I burst out crying during one of the meetings, in front of my co-teachers in the principal's office. My tears wouldn't stop. They kept on falling from my eyes, flowing on my cheeks, I lost control. My emotions were unstable. I got hurt easily. I didn't want to bother others that's why I distanced myself from my workmates. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but I was aware that I was already a burden by the way I was behaving. I couldn't laugh, or even smile. I was always sad, tears in my eyes never ran dry.

I knew it wasn't normal. I was depressed and I needed to seek help. My mother was the same. She knew I needed help. She was supportive as well as my father. I had a friend who had a relative who experienced a similar condition as mine on some occasions. I asked her for help. She was very accommodating and welcoming. She never made me feel like I was going through was a bad case. She understood my situation and didn't treat me like a hopeless case.

I got in touch with the secretary of the doctor through the contact number that was given to me by my friend. I was given an appointment with the doctor. I didn't have any idea of what's going to happen when I face the doctor. I didn't know what I was going to tell, where in fact in the first place I couldn't even put into words what I was going through. It was chaos inside my mind.

The night arrived at the appointment with the doctor and I didn't go. I let another week passed by, I was indecisive. I was in denial of getting professional help. I thought I got this. I could overcome this without any professional help. Then my condition got worse. I filed for a sick leave instead of resigning since it's best to do that due to my loans.

The day I decided to meet the doctor I wasn't included in the list of persons who made an appointment. I was a gate-crasher. The secretary was a bit disappointed. She told us that there was no guarantee that the doctor would see me because I was not included in the list. I told her it was okay and we were willing to wait. I was with my mother and father. It was already dark and there was a cue of persons seeking professional help. My father waited at the parking lot while my mother was with me waiting in the line.

We're now on the 4th week of ECQ or Enhanced Community Quarantine in Luzon and many cities, towns, and provinces already declared LOCKDOWN due to the inflation of CoVid-19 cases in their respective areas. I hope you're doing fine as you read this and if not I pray that we'll be able to survive this pandemic safe and sound, in Jesus's name.

In line with the implementation of ECQ, many of us are stuck in our house. Probably at this point, you run out of things to do inside the safety of your home. Some of us are maybe taking this time as an opportunity to read all of our TBRs waiting in our bookshelves, and for some writers, they are making the most out of this ECQ to meet their deadlines. Same here! I am trying because for the past weeks, I was just binge-watching on Netflix and reading graphic novels. 

When I was just a kid, I thought life would be easy once I become an adult. I guess I was wrong like all the other kids who had the same false idea. Life became hard as I journey to adulthood, being grown-up sucks. And I try my best to fit into the world of the grown-ups, it was never easy. I knew I was different from the other kids ever since I discovered that it was hard for me to acquaint myself with other people or engage in any social gatherings. So, now I wonder how I was able to survive my social life in school. I think my survival from school's social aspect is all thanks to my friends, those who are remembered and some are forgotten. The credit belongs to them, most part the 50% survival rate, 30% from my parents, and 20% from my own effort.

I was perfectly adjusting to adulthood in my 20's. I had a career, stable with good pay, and a promising promotion scheme with my academic credentials. I was never enrolled in a grand and prestigious school. I am a full-blooded public student, thanks to the government. But I was pursuing post-graduate studies and that made me feel somewhat ahead of my co-workers. I was aware that I am full of myself sometimes, but I always chose to humble myself to the point of unconsciously practicing false humility whenever people try to praise me.

I was happy. So, I thought so. I am a teacher and I didn't like it before. I didn't want other people to know that I am a teacher, I was afraid that they may expect a perfect human being, and I was far from being perfect even as a teacher. I struggled with how I deal with the students, how to impose discipline without violating CPP (Child Protection Policy). Teaching different subjects and different grade level every school year give an additional challenge in my already challenging life as a human being more so as being a teacher. It was hard, but it was a stable job with good pay. So, I decided to stay and sucked up the system. I was guilty of prioritizing money instead of getting motivated because of my students' bright future.

I started to hate myself. It wasn't fun anymore. The money that I got from my job didn't make me happy anymore. Everything wasn't enough. There was always lacking. I was never satisfied. The happiness I got to feel from time to time was just spurs of the moment and it disappeared like vapor. No mark, no trace left behind. It was an empty form of happiness. Something that is temporal.

As I hated myself, I began to project the feelings I had inside as I hated others. People who are bad enough to be called evil, I hated them, I despised them. People who treat others unjustly. People who lie to make themselves look good. People who say bad things to others. I was angry at them even though most of the time I was not the victim of their doings, I was just a mere witness. As a witness, I didn't do anything to prevent what was happening. I was a coward. The hate that I felt didn't do me any good. It just turned into a hideous form of depression.

In 2019, my breaking point was when a student committed suicide. She was never under my class. I just happened to buy a chocolate milk drink from her parents' sari-sari store whenever I'd like to get a decent cold drink. I had never seen a hint of her being abused. She was beautiful and a bright girl. She was always polite and welcoming whenever I buy from her even though I was never her teacher in any subject. I thought she was just doing fine.

I thought to myself, I could end what I have been struggling with just like what she did. It was easy. I just have to end my life and that's it I can forget everything, every single hint of pain that I have been keeping to myself. All the hurt and bitterness will be gone just like that. I will be free, at last.

I stopped going to school. Confused and overwhelmed by the news about the student who committed suicide, I succumbed to the desire of freeing myself from all of the things that had been holding me back: family, work, pride, what others will think about me, money, my dreams. I must let go of all of these to be freed from the chains that had been dragging me down. Nothing else matters, only my selfish desire to be free from the pain.

My mother consented to my resignation from my work when she realized how miserable I was since I stopped coming to school. There were a lot of times where I tried to convince myself and my parents to allow me to resign and find another job, but we were so against the idea, we thought we're losing a very good opportunity to make our lives a little better out of our poor situation.    

~end of part 1~