I'm coming out! I'm coming out. I want the world to know. I've got to let it show!
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| Selfie was taken circa 2015 |
I am beginning to open up myself to others. Slowly, gradually, I am stepping out to make another debut in the world of society. But this time I am not doing it alone. I have someone greater than anyone has ever lived. I have someone who is all-powerful. I have someone who never runs out of love for me. He never fails me. But I did many times, I failed Him. But He forgives me always. He even sacrificed himself to save me from death. He is my salvation, my redeemer. His name is Jesus. The Son of God.
Last 2019, things got messy in my life. I was broken. Crushed. I was seeing death as something trivial yet scary. All my possessions, what I had achieved were temporary things I could lose any time. I realized there were things I could not control or even change, more so death.
I had this thought that the pain and grief I felt would be easily gone if I just die, and that was an easy way out. I gave up fighting. Because I always only got hurt. People did not like me or what I do. They rejected me, the real me. I was not good enough and all of us would just die anyway, so why even try to live? If you live, you will just die. Life was meaningless, pointless, even hopeless.
I was withdrawing from physical reality.
I was living to die. I was...
But, then...
Someone pulled me back to life. He sent angels through people who might know me or not. A divinely orchestrated plan led me back to The One who loved me first. To Him who always chased me. To Him who never let me down.
To my LORD.
I lost to surrender my life to Him and learned a lot and still learning and re-learning a lot about Him. I love Him, yet I know that He loves more and more, deeper than the depth of the sea. My brokenness works just like what Romans 8:28 says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."
I was no longer a slave to my pain, grief, guilt, and shame. I am free. I no longer carry a heavy burden, because Jesus said in Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." And He brings me genuine peace, the kind of peace Paul said in Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Now, that I know the lengths, the heights, and the depths of God's love for me I no longer have the idea of wrong love, the kind of love this world projects and humans unconsciously acquire.
Matthew 22:39 says "And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself," --love others as you love yourself, see? You must love yourself the right way first, God's way, before you express the right kind of love to others. Knowing God and having an intimate relationship with Him will give us more opportunities to learn more about the kind of love He wants us to have and to share with others. How to do that? Own a Bible. Read His words. Talk to Him. Pray to Him.
Some of my Learn to's to better love yourself the right way.
1. Learn to say no
We have that tendency to always yes, even though we want to say no. I think we have that innate mechanism wherein we often do things to please other people. We take pride in saying yes all the time. We do not want to let down other people because they have some expectations, if not too much. As I became an adult, I thought I have to please every single person around me. I was so afraid to disappoint them, though I acted like I did not care I was so scared to be hated by people.
I always wanted to make a facade that I was capable of doing anything assigned to me. I was trying to act like I was a jack of all trades due to the fact that I was so afraid that others might say I was useless. That's why I had a habit of saying yes if someone was asking me for a favor.
So, next time someone asks you for something let's say a favor, it would not be so bad if you take your time and think about it before giving a response. Instead of pressuring yourself and letting others down might as well consider it first. It will be hard in the beginning, you may feel guilty and think of yourself as a bad person. But you'll get through it, pray for it.
2. Learn to take it slow
Do not rush yourself. If something needs to be done, let's say a task from work, give yourself time to think. Give yourself space. Breathe in, breathe out, before you start anything, whether it is work or personal task, much better if you even pray for it. Don't rush. Take it slow. You can pause and rest if things are tiring you down.
3. Learn to give not only take
I came from a poor family, so I tended to get stingy sometimes. I had this idea that I should keep more to myself since I did not have much. I did not hate giving, but I took more of what I could and what I should.
I thought if I kept more I would have more. Yet, in God's economy, this belief is so wrong. It is more like the more you give, the more you will be blessed. It will return to you ten folds, you will live abundantly. Spiritual and physical. You will not be lacking. He will supply all your needs. Needs, not want, alright?
So share what God has blessed you with, and always ask for discernment. We are born in this world with nothing, we will leave taking nothing. We are the stewards of all His creations. We should take care of them and never abuse them. Be more giving.
4. Learn to forgive yourself and others
Don't be hard on yourself. Lower your expectations. People make mistakes. People will disappoint me and you. You and I will disappoint others as well. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Be more forgiving to yourself and others. If God can forgive us, who are we to deny ourselves and others of forgiveness.
I have to learn and re-learn all of these because they take practice and discipline to make them a habit. The truth is we are still in our sinful nature, our own flesh reeks of sin. It is hard for a naturally bad-nature human to be good without learning and discipline. It takes habits to form a character, a good one. Despite the messy parts of our lives, God did not forsake us. He sent someone to save us so we can return to our original form. God loves me. Period. So be sure to love yourself, the way God does.
So, again, who else will love you? None other than, but Jesus, certainly, eternally. Accept Him in your life and you will never be the same.
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