What do you pray for?

What do I pray for?

I pray for him. I pray and pray. Why do You never listen? You heard them, all my prayers, but Your response is silence. 

Only love can hurt like this. The song keeps playing in my head. Only love can hurt like this. There is a pain every time and sometimes I wish I no longer feel my heart breaking, it is tearing apart.

At night, when I am on my bed, waiting for sleep to visit, there are times I always end up crying. Tears flow like a river down my cheeks, asking You why I always end up like this whenever I like or I am praying for someone.  

Your grace is enough. This song never fails. Your grace is enough for me. This song speaks the truth. But why am I still yearning for him? Why do I feel this wanting and desire for him?

What do I pray for?

I pray that my desire for him to end and completely vanish because it only hurt me at the end of the day. I am happy when he pays attention to me. I am delighted when he replies to my message. I am on cloud nine when he appreciates me. I want all of him, but I know that it is impossible. He is not mine, to begin with. I pray that he will choose me, and pursue me, despite my weaknesses and flaws and shortcomings and all. I want him to want me like I want him.

He never told me his intention. I form a conclusion based on his random or maybe intentional action. We're a mess, going circles, round and round. Left and right, I don't know where to go. Should I stop and forget about him? Never look back, start moving forward once again in this journey where I keep on coming back and forth. I am stuck. It's a cycle, a loop, a paradox.

What do I pray for? 

I pray why do You let this happen to me, falling again and again, and now for him. I know there is a purpose for this experience, but what is it? I want to know. I need to know. Now. Do I sound demanding? Oh, Lord, You know how much I pray for someone like him. I am aware of the uncertainty and I fear it. But the assurance that You are always there surpasses all the doubts I have in my mind and heart. I know You're in control, sovereign, almighty, and all. You are the end and the beginning. You're my God, my Lord, and Saviour. 

Still, right now, I pray for him, his safety, good health, happiness, and all the best for his being. I want him to be joyful and rejoice in Your presence. 

I pray for him. 

Does he pray for me too?

I wonder.

And tonight, I am not crying. He made my night.

TYL. Again and again, I surrender.