I stayed at home for a week and didn't come to school. I didn't care if there would be nothing left in my salary. I just didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to teach. My thought was what's the point of doing all these when I would just die. Everyone would just die. Why even try to live in the pain was the only thing you can get out of living a temporal life on earth... might as well die. Physical death is gaining freedom. I was also ready to cut ties from my work. I prepared my resignation letter. I only needed to submit it. My mother allowed me to resign in one condition, and that was I can apply for other jobs except for teaching because I really, really didn't want to teach anymore. I might as well be a domestic helper abroad somewhere in the middle east instead of teaching.

That's why I applied online to be a DH. I went to a recruiting agency somewhere in Quezon City. I had my agent, she was excited to send me abroad. She even held my passport just to be sure. But as always, it didn't go the way I planned it. My recruiter told me that I needed to renew my passport even though it was still six months before its expiration. She even asked me to entrust her with the passport, and that she would be the one to renew the passport. I didn't like the idea. I was suspicious that she might do something illegal with my passport. I retrieved my passport from her and decided to go home. So I went home defeated, and again, failed with my plans. I guess I really don't have the guts to be a domestic helper. I was a coward, again, more so indecisive, confused in this world I badly wanted to get rid of.

I was absent for a week and thought that I would be dismissed from my job because of my AWOL (Absence Without Leave). Some of my co-workers were asking me if I was alright or what happened to me, but I didn't have the courage to tell them what I was going through. They never got a decent answer from me and I never wanted to talk to anybody during those times. Everyone was a toxic person for me, except for a few sincere persons who had been patient with me. I was grateful to them.

I tried to return to school after a week since I failed in getting a job abroad. But returning to school didn't go well, it was a disaster. I was a subject coordinator and had to attend meetings with my superiors. Some of them had sharp tongues. Reckless and tactless. I was super sensitive during those times. There was a time when I burst out crying during one of the meetings, in front of my co-teachers in the principal's office. My tears wouldn't stop. They kept on falling from my eyes, flowing on my cheeks, I lost control. My emotions were unstable. I got hurt easily. I didn't want to bother others that's why I distanced myself from my workmates. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but I was aware that I was already a burden by the way I was behaving. I couldn't laugh, or even smile. I was always sad, tears in my eyes never ran dry.

I knew it wasn't normal. I was depressed and I needed to seek help. My mother was the same. She knew I needed help. She was supportive as well as my father. I had a friend who had a relative who experienced a similar condition as mine on some occasions. I asked her for help. She was very accommodating and welcoming. She never made me feel like I was going through was a bad case. She understood my situation and didn't treat me like a hopeless case.

I got in touch with the secretary of the doctor through the contact number that was given to me by my friend. I was given an appointment with the doctor. I didn't have any idea of what's going to happen when I face the doctor. I didn't know what I was going to tell, where in fact in the first place I couldn't even put into words what I was going through. It was chaos inside my mind.

The night arrived at the appointment with the doctor and I didn't go. I let another week passed by, I was indecisive. I was in denial of getting professional help. I thought I got this. I could overcome this without any professional help. Then my condition got worse. I filed for a sick leave instead of resigning since it's best to do that due to my loans.

The day I decided to meet the doctor I wasn't included in the list of persons who made an appointment. I was a gate-crasher. The secretary was a bit disappointed. She told us that there was no guarantee that the doctor would see me because I was not included in the list. I told her it was okay and we were willing to wait. I was with my mother and father. It was already dark and there was a cue of persons seeking professional help. My father waited at the parking lot while my mother was with me waiting in the line.

We're now on the 4th week of ECQ or Enhanced Community Quarantine in Luzon and many cities, towns, and provinces already declared LOCKDOWN due to the inflation of CoVid-19 cases in their respective areas. I hope you're doing fine as you read this and if not I pray that we'll be able to survive this pandemic safe and sound, in Jesus's name.

In line with the implementation of ECQ, many of us are stuck in our house. Probably at this point, you run out of things to do inside the safety of your home. Some of us are maybe taking this time as an opportunity to read all of our TBRs waiting in our bookshelves, and for some writers, they are making the most out of this ECQ to meet their deadlines. Same here! I am trying because for the past weeks, I was just binge-watching on Netflix and reading graphic novels. 

When I was just a kid, I thought life would be easy once I become an adult. I guess I was wrong like all the other kids who had the same false idea. Life became hard as I journey to adulthood, being grown-up sucks. And I try my best to fit into the world of the grown-ups, it was never easy. I knew I was different from the other kids ever since I discovered that it was hard for me to acquaint myself with other people or engage in any social gatherings. So, now I wonder how I was able to survive my social life in school. I think my survival from school's social aspect is all thanks to my friends, those who are remembered and some are forgotten. The credit belongs to them, most part the 50% survival rate, 30% from my parents, and 20% from my own effort.

I was perfectly adjusting to adulthood in my 20's. I had a career, stable with good pay, and a promising promotion scheme with my academic credentials. I was never enrolled in a grand and prestigious school. I am a full-blooded public student, thanks to the government. But I was pursuing post-graduate studies and that made me feel somewhat ahead of my co-workers. I was aware that I am full of myself sometimes, but I always chose to humble myself to the point of unconsciously practicing false humility whenever people try to praise me.

I was happy. So, I thought so. I am a teacher and I didn't like it before. I didn't want other people to know that I am a teacher, I was afraid that they may expect a perfect human being, and I was far from being perfect even as a teacher. I struggled with how I deal with the students, how to impose discipline without violating CPP (Child Protection Policy). Teaching different subjects and different grade level every school year give an additional challenge in my already challenging life as a human being more so as being a teacher. It was hard, but it was a stable job with good pay. So, I decided to stay and sucked up the system. I was guilty of prioritizing money instead of getting motivated because of my students' bright future.

I started to hate myself. It wasn't fun anymore. The money that I got from my job didn't make me happy anymore. Everything wasn't enough. There was always lacking. I was never satisfied. The happiness I got to feel from time to time was just spurs of the moment and it disappeared like vapor. No mark, no trace left behind. It was an empty form of happiness. Something that is temporal.

As I hated myself, I began to project the feelings I had inside as I hated others. People who are bad enough to be called evil, I hated them, I despised them. People who treat others unjustly. People who lie to make themselves look good. People who say bad things to others. I was angry at them even though most of the time I was not the victim of their doings, I was just a mere witness. As a witness, I didn't do anything to prevent what was happening. I was a coward. The hate that I felt didn't do me any good. It just turned into a hideous form of depression.

In 2019, my breaking point was when a student committed suicide. She was never under my class. I just happened to buy a chocolate milk drink from her parents' sari-sari store whenever I'd like to get a decent cold drink. I had never seen a hint of her being abused. She was beautiful and a bright girl. She was always polite and welcoming whenever I buy from her even though I was never her teacher in any subject. I thought she was just doing fine.

I thought to myself, I could end what I have been struggling with just like what she did. It was easy. I just have to end my life and that's it I can forget everything, every single hint of pain that I have been keeping to myself. All the hurt and bitterness will be gone just like that. I will be free, at last.

I stopped going to school. Confused and overwhelmed by the news about the student who committed suicide, I succumbed to the desire of freeing myself from all of the things that had been holding me back: family, work, pride, what others will think about me, money, my dreams. I must let go of all of these to be freed from the chains that had been dragging me down. Nothing else matters, only my selfish desire to be free from the pain.

My mother consented to my resignation from my work when she realized how miserable I was since I stopped coming to school. There were a lot of times where I tried to convince myself and my parents to allow me to resign and find another job, but we were so against the idea, we thought we're losing a very good opportunity to make our lives a little better out of our poor situation.    

~end of part 1~

Congrats Margarette! You just won from "I Found You Paperback Copy and More Giveaway - PH Only". Please reply to my email so I can arrange the shipment of the prizes. And for those all who joined, a big thanks! 'Til next giveaway. 

Special thanks to Shosekishoppe for the book sleeve! 🤗📚💚