My turn to see the doctor came up and I was feeling cold. I was not sure if it was because I was nervous or it was the just air conditioner of the hospital working on my body temperature. I was the last person in the line. It was just I and my mother. I entered the room alone. I didn't ask my mother to come with me since she didn't also volunteer. I thought entering the room alone was a better option. The doctor sat on a chair behind her table. The room's motif was all white. I sat on a chair in front of her table. There was a little distance between us.  

The doctor asked me how I felt. I couldn't talk properly, I kept on stuttering due to the cold I felt from the air conditioner. I told her how I felt sad, I didn't want my job, I always cried, I was very sensitive, that there was a student who committed suicide at school and people kept on dying around our area of residence, and I also told her about my father, how he used to get drunk and hurt my mom, turn our house into chaos, then after doing that he would just leave us at home. The doctor told me she understood me. She knew that what I was going through was tough. She also asked me I was into drugs or alcohol, I answered no right away. She prescribed a medicine for me, an anti-depressant, and reminded me that I should eat or drink chocolate, coffee, soda, or anything similar to these foods. But there was one thing that I didn't tell the doctor. I wonder if I had told her about it, would I return for the next appointment?

~end of part 3~

I was in deep thought,

when someone gave me a broth.

I was confused and surprised.

I prayed it would not be my demise.

I declined his offer,

but he insisted improperly.

He fished a spoonful of soup,

and it just looked like poop.

I struggled with his action

and forced me to the portion.

He grabbed me on my jaw

and glared at me in awe.

I felt chills through his stares,

and I could see all his cares.

Was it sad that I saw?

Like his soul had been sold.

I just felt pity for him,

I saw his sorrows in teeming.

He was a neglected boy,

who never received a toy.

Sometimes he was beaten up,

and wouldn’t let him be by his pop.

Because of a failed given task,

he tried to put a smile like a mask.

He worked hard on the farm

as if it would work like a charm.

Pleasing his parents made him a fool,

hatred started to deepen like a pool.

His effort was wasted,

it was underappreciated.

Before he realized it,

he was already in a pit.

His life drastically changed,

as if he was freed from a cage.

He lived his life restlessly

and treated life hopelessly.

One night he committed

a sin that should be convicted.

He escaped like a fugitive

and lived a life of secretive.

He got married to a girl,

who had experienced twist and twirl.

His past seemed to be trivial,

she didn’t care about the slayer’s arrival.

She was happy to find someone,

who would stand for her as a man.

But she was deceived by her illusion

and realized he was a disillusioned.

A year passed and she bore a child.

Two years passed, he became a dead child.

She once thought it was the price.

Of the deed, he had done out of cries.

I saw tears falling down,

from his old face in a frown,

He resorted to violence,

and forgot his innocence.

I wondered if he did repentance

because he was given a second chance.

Well, he seemed to be repentant

and tried to focus on what was important.

I stayed at home for a week and didn't come to school. I didn't care if there would be nothing left in my salary. I just didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to teach. My thought was what's the point of doing all these when I would just die. Everyone would just die. Why even try to live in the pain was the only thing you can get out of living a temporal life on earth... might as well die. Physical death is gaining freedom. I was also ready to cut ties from my work. I prepared my resignation letter. I only needed to submit it. My mother allowed me to resign in one condition, and that was I can apply for other jobs except for teaching because I really, really didn't want to teach anymore. I might as well be a domestic helper abroad somewhere in the middle east instead of teaching.

That's why I applied online to be a DH. I went to a recruiting agency somewhere in Quezon City. I had my agent, she was excited to send me abroad. She even held my passport just to be sure. But as always, it didn't go the way I planned it. My recruiter told me that I needed to renew my passport even though it was still six months before its expiration. She even asked me to entrust her with the passport, and that she would be the one to renew the passport. I didn't like the idea. I was suspicious that she might do something illegal with my passport. I retrieved my passport from her and decided to go home. So I went home defeated, and again, failed with my plans. I guess I really don't have the guts to be a domestic helper. I was a coward, again, more so indecisive, confused in this world I badly wanted to get rid of.

I was absent for a week and thought that I would be dismissed from my job because of my AWOL (Absence Without Leave). Some of my co-workers were asking me if I was alright or what happened to me, but I didn't have the courage to tell them what I was going through. They never got a decent answer from me and I never wanted to talk to anybody during those times. Everyone was a toxic person for me, except for a few sincere persons who had been patient with me. I was grateful to them.

I tried to return to school after a week since I failed in getting a job abroad. But returning to school didn't go well, it was a disaster. I was a subject coordinator and had to attend meetings with my superiors. Some of them had sharp tongues. Reckless and tactless. I was super sensitive during those times. There was a time when I burst out crying during one of the meetings, in front of my co-teachers in the principal's office. My tears wouldn't stop. They kept on falling from my eyes, flowing on my cheeks, I lost control. My emotions were unstable. I got hurt easily. I didn't want to bother others that's why I distanced myself from my workmates. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but I was aware that I was already a burden by the way I was behaving. I couldn't laugh, or even smile. I was always sad, tears in my eyes never ran dry.

I knew it wasn't normal. I was depressed and I needed to seek help. My mother was the same. She knew I needed help. She was supportive as well as my father. I had a friend who had a relative who experienced a similar condition as mine on some occasions. I asked her for help. She was very accommodating and welcoming. She never made me feel like I was going through was a bad case. She understood my situation and didn't treat me like a hopeless case.

I got in touch with the secretary of the doctor through the contact number that was given to me by my friend. I was given an appointment with the doctor. I didn't have any idea of what's going to happen when I face the doctor. I didn't know what I was going to tell, where in fact in the first place I couldn't even put into words what I was going through. It was chaos inside my mind.

The night arrived at the appointment with the doctor and I didn't go. I let another week passed by, I was indecisive. I was in denial of getting professional help. I thought I got this. I could overcome this without any professional help. Then my condition got worse. I filed for a sick leave instead of resigning since it's best to do that due to my loans.

The day I decided to meet the doctor I wasn't included in the list of persons who made an appointment. I was a gate-crasher. The secretary was a bit disappointed. She told us that there was no guarantee that the doctor would see me because I was not included in the list. I told her it was okay and we were willing to wait. I was with my mother and father. It was already dark and there was a cue of persons seeking professional help. My father waited at the parking lot while my mother was with me waiting in the line.

We're now on the 4th week of ECQ or Enhanced Community Quarantine in Luzon and many cities, towns, and provinces already declared LOCKDOWN due to the inflation of CoVid-19 cases in their respective areas. I hope you're doing fine as you read this and if not I pray that we'll be able to survive this pandemic safe and sound, in Jesus's name.

In line with the implementation of ECQ, many of us are stuck in our house. Probably at this point, you run out of things to do inside the safety of your home. Some of us are maybe taking this time as an opportunity to read all of our TBRs waiting in our bookshelves, and for some writers, they are making the most out of this ECQ to meet their deadlines. Same here! I am trying because for the past weeks, I was just binge-watching on Netflix and reading graphic novels.