What do I pray for?
I pray for him. I pray and pray. Why do You never listen? You heard them, all my prayers, but Your response is silence.
Only love can hurt like this. The song keeps playing in my head. Only love can hurt like this. There is a pain every time and sometimes I wish I no longer feel my heart breaking, it is tearing apart.
At night, when I am on my bed, waiting for sleep to visit, there are times I always end up crying. Tears flow like a river down my cheeks, asking You why I always end up like this whenever I like or I am praying for someone.
Your grace is enough. This song never fails. Your grace is enough for me. This song speaks the truth. But why am I still yearning for him? Why do I feel this wanting and desire for him?
What do I pray for?
I pray that my desire for him to end and completely vanish because it only hurt me at the end of the day. I am happy when he pays attention to me. I am delighted when he replies to my message. I am on cloud nine when he appreciates me. I want all of him, but I know that it is impossible. He is not mine, to begin with. I pray that he will choose me, and pursue me, despite my weaknesses and flaws and shortcomings and all. I want him to want me like I want him.
He never told me his intention. I form a conclusion based on his random or maybe intentional action. We're a mess, going circles, round and round. Left and right, I don't know where to go. Should I stop and forget about him? Never look back, start moving forward once again in this journey where I keep on coming back and forth. I am stuck. It's a cycle, a loop, a paradox.
What do I pray for?
I pray why do You let this happen to me, falling again and again, and now for him. I know there is a purpose for this experience, but what is it? I want to know. I need to know. Now. Do I sound demanding? Oh, Lord, You know how much I pray for someone like him. I am aware of the uncertainty and I fear it. But the assurance that You are always there surpasses all the doubts I have in my mind and heart. I know You're in control, sovereign, almighty, and all. You are the end and the beginning. You're my God, my Lord, and Saviour.
Still, right now, I pray for him, his safety, good health, happiness, and all the best for his being. I want him to be joyful and rejoice in Your presence.
I pray for him.
Does he pray for me too?
I wonder.
And tonight, I am not crying. He made my night.
TYL. Again and again, I surrender.
When is the end season?
Oh how much, I look forward to that end season. The end of the waiting season. On these particular days of my life, I am, again, tired and sad and lonely and lost. It feels like I lost connection to someone important.
And right now I feel so not enough. I feel lacking and longing again.
There was this person who appeared in my life after many years. And all of a sudden I thought maybe he was the one sent by God. He brought hope and happy moments. I was genuinely happy during those spared times he spent with me.
He was on and off. He was active but never present. He was reacting but never communicating.
He was just there when it was convenient for him.
I knew there was something wrong. It was weird and I almost fell into the trap, once again.
I thought this kind of longing already disappeared and permanently vanished in my system, but it was there, that familiar feeling of wanting and impatience emerged once again and I felt ashamed.
I thought it was okay for me to stay single and alone but never lonely. I thought I was fine. I was joyful in the presence of God. I was rejoicing in good and bad times.
Then he appeared and brought doubt and pain.
I should not blame him. It was not his fault entirely. We played games where there are winners and losers.
The game was fun and all but losing was painful.
There were nights that I cried while asking God why I was never pursued especially by the one I liked. It had always been a one-sided thing. I even questioned my worth and forgot my identity in Christ. I asked Him if He intended me to be alone and lonely all the days of my life here on earth.
I doubted again and was guilty. This is not how I should be as a Christian. This is not me in Christ.
"Bruised but not broken," I remember my D-Group leader telling me this. This time maybe I am not broken, only bruised. All thanks to God's divine protection and preemptive action. I am saved always.
Another friend of mine said once again a wonderful reminder, "Being Christians doesn't mean we are always happy, there will be times when we will be disappointed and defeated, but what's important is we never let go of God's faithfulness and promises."
Life is tough and the life of a Christian is impossible. But God's grace is available to us through Jesus Christ and He will sustain us. It is not an easy road so don't ever let go of the eternal source of our strength and wisdom. Kapit lang kahit masheket friend, di rin Siya bibitaw, kaya connect agad kay God, always.
Have you been so out of place to the point of not knowing where to put yourself in the puzzle? Like you are lost and don't know where to go or what to do. As if you are looking for something or someone you don't even know as if you are so out of place on your own. Like there is that missing piece and you keep searching for it, but until now you haven't found it.
I have good news for you. You are exactly where you needed to be.
Well, our trip to Calatagan, Batangas seemed to help me solve that same puzzling thought in my head. Though I consider myself now a Christian, there are moments when I just couldn't be spirit-filled as I wanted to be. I think, do, or say things that are not really glorifying and pleasing to the Lord. In short, I feel not good enough sometimes, and there is lacking.
5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God,
The fellowship was a trip with the community of Singles in our church. At first, I was hesitant to join the group since the other ladies of the small group I belonged to were not able to participate due to a conflict of schedule. Anyway, I just did. I did join. hehe
There were moments in the whole fellowship experience that brought me to some realizations as reminders of what God has been showing me always.
1. God is in control.
Do not worry, instead pray. Taal Volcano had its fit during our travel to Calatagan. The alert text from NDRMMC gave us a heads up of what’s happening to Taal. We were alarmed. But instead of worrying, I decided to pray. I was positive all chose to pray rather than worry. What’s more powerful than any natural phenomenon, it’s none other than prayer.
Thank God, Taal Volcano calmed down and all was well. It is just a simple reminder that He is always in control, that if we surrender everything to Him, He knows exactly where and when it needed to be. He is, always and forever.
2. Spirit-filled men are attractive. Periodt.
No matter what the color, height, fashion sense, or career; pursuing Christ is the way to look attractive. I thought men who prioritize their relationship with God were less of a man than those who follow the worldly standards of being attractive. I had this notion that spiritually inclined men were less attractive than those men I could find on the internet, especially on the dating site or apps. I was proven wrong, my worldly thoughts of attractive men had always been wrong. There is humor in that realization and it is fulfilling. So whether your status is single or married, be attractive and there is only one way to do it, and you already know what I mean. *wink*
3. Washing the dishes is fun.
This might sound shallow to some, but I never thought that a household chore could be that fun! Not until I enjoyed washing the dishes alone and with the others as well. To be honest, it was also an escape from the thought of being out of place in that fellowship. I mean at least I had a task to do, I was not useless. I imposed it upon myself. haha. Perhaps, God made me do it. I felt like a homemaker while washing the dishes. hehe. Oh my, oh my... I could see hope while washing the dishes and realizing, I could do it, I could be a homemaker. Chariz... Thy will be done, still...
We played a lot of games and they were all hilarious. I also learned how to play UNO cards which I thought was a difficult game to learn, and the best part was I got to play it with my fellow singles. Well, I have to be honest again, this blog post is two months late but better late than never.
11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
You’re Beautiful But You Can Be Stunning Inside and Out by Malu Tiongson-Ortiz is the last book I read two months ago. I tried finishing other books, but I haven't even a single one from five of the books I started reading.
As the title of the book says, it is about beauty and not just the physical beauty it has accounts of the holistic approach when it comes to beauty, inside and out.
Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But what exactly does it mean? Some say it means that beauty depends on the eyes of the person who sees it. Does it really?
Oxford Languages, an online dictionary, defines the famous proverb "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" as beauty that cannot be judged objectively, for what one person finds beautiful or admirable may not appeal to another.
Shamcey Supsup-Lee said beauty is not definite, we define it. She has a point, and what can we expect from a beauty queen like her. Ms. Supsup-Lee previously competed in Miss Universe 2011, finishing third runner-up. Sure, she knows. Yes, she knows.
But the question is, does beauty equate to self-worth? Yes. No. And sometimes I don't even know. We are influenced by many factors and ideals in life that may affect how we view beauty and self-worth, and sometimes it can be a difficult task to even identify and express their true meaning.
Malu Tiongson-Ortiz mentioned in her book that self-worth is not based on looks which always becomes the basis of beauty, accomplishments, or possessions. Instead, self-worth is based on God’s love for us, according to God’s design and original plan for us.
Having a relationship with God directs us to the right track and sight of how we view beauty and self-worth. And as we grow more in Christ, our identity progressively leans and depends on what He did for us on the cross. He has paid the highest price, and that alone is the proof that we are worth more than any gold, wealth, or riches in this world. We live in a passing world where everything is fleeting and temporary. Our looks, accomplishments, and possessions are anything but passing. We are bound to lose all of the materials we thought of high importance in this lifetime.
Another question is, have you ever asked yourselves what makes us ugly or beautiful? The book You’re Beautiful But You Can Be Stunning Inside and Out gives us lists of what makes us ugly or beautiful, and you might wonder which list is longer.
What makes us ugly?
29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.
Romans 1:29-31
The list is a bit long, so we have to be aware of them. We don't want a rotten core filled with wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity.
1. Envy, Jealousy
2. Self-centeredness
3. Malice
4. Gossip
5. Slander
6. Pride and Arrogance
7. Vanity
8. Materialism
9. Sharp Speech
10. Nagging
11. Judging
12. Bitterness, Unforgiveness
13. Quick to Anger
14. Neediness
15. Stinginess
16. Domineering, Control, Manipulation
17. Disrespect Towards One’s Husband
18. Bossiness
19. Egotism
20. Hypocrisy
2. Self-centeredness
3. Malice
4. Gossip
5. Slander
6. Pride and Arrogance
7. Vanity
8. Materialism
9. Sharp Speech
10. Nagging
11. Judging
12. Bitterness, Unforgiveness
13. Quick to Anger
14. Neediness
15. Stinginess
16. Domineering, Control, Manipulation
17. Disrespect Towards One’s Husband
18. Bossiness
19. Egotism
20. Hypocrisy
What makes us beautiful?
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
We only need the fruit of the Spirit to make us beautiful and stunning inside and out.
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness, Gentleness, Goodness
6. Faithfulness
7. Sel-control
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
You are beautiful, girl, but you can be stunning inside and out!
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