How does ML affect me so far?
For some of you who doesn't know ML, it is a popular online mobile game nowadays that is well loved and enjoyed by youngsters as well as by adults.
During the 2-year CoVid-19 pandemic, I avoided playing the game since I couldn't seem to get the ins and outs of it, so I decided to stop and uninstall the app. I thought it was a waste of memory on my phone. The bottom line is I didn't know how to play the characters that's why I stop.
Fast forward to 2022, I finally learned how to play the game even just a little. In victory and defeat!
For the past five months, I am consistently playing Mobile Legends: Bang Bang. Oh, what a waste of time, some people might say. Maybe, yes. Maybe, no. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Maybe, I am addicted to ML, probably. The goal is to raise my rank. What a noble and priceless objective!
When I was just in Master and Grandmaster rank, I so wanted to reach the Epic level. It took me a month, during vacation to be exact, to finally reach the Epic rank. So what? Did my life got any better because I achieved that rank? The answer is no, but there is a big YES. It brought happiness when the game is played moderately. It connects people of all ages. It is fun, fulfilling, and satisfying game. It develops relationship, even fellowship if played in moderation.
Playing ML can be quite frustrating, especially for a beginner. There is a lot to learn about heroes, skills, builds, skins, and more and more. It was overwhelming at first and confusing as well, but if you have a good group of friends who are willing to teach you and patiently explain the essential details, then everything is a lot easier and a lot better. But do expect some harsh words in the game, as much as there is good vibes, there is also some bad vibes. It's either they get on your nerves or you get on their nerves, either way play it nice. Never give a remark that is below the belt, that is not fair and never pleasant. Play it nice, always.
Up until now, I want to raise my rank. Next goal is Legend and it is difficult. I persist on playing the game, and maybe next vacation, I will be able to make it on Legend rank. That's the spirit!
So far, I am enjoying the game. It brings good vibes from time to time in a once boring atmosphere. It is fun. So much fun, but again can be frustrating sometimes due to lose streak or an encounter of negative player during the in-game. Just be mindful and careful. Play and slay!
What do I pray for?
I pray for him. I pray and pray. Why do You never listen? You heard them, all my prayers, but Your response is silence.
Only love can hurt like this. The song keeps playing in my head. Only love can hurt like this. There is a pain every time and sometimes I wish I no longer feel my heart breaking, it is tearing apart.
At night, when I am on my bed, waiting for sleep to visit, there are times I always end up crying. Tears flow like a river down my cheeks, asking You why I always end up like this whenever I like or I am praying for someone.
Your grace is enough. This song never fails. Your grace is enough for me. This song speaks the truth. But why am I still yearning for him? Why do I feel this wanting and desire for him?
What do I pray for?
I pray that my desire for him to end and completely vanish because it only hurt me at the end of the day. I am happy when he pays attention to me. I am delighted when he replies to my message. I am on cloud nine when he appreciates me. I want all of him, but I know that it is impossible. He is not mine, to begin with. I pray that he will choose me, and pursue me, despite my weaknesses and flaws and shortcomings and all. I want him to want me like I want him.
He never told me his intention. I form a conclusion based on his random or maybe intentional action. We're a mess, going circles, round and round. Left and right, I don't know where to go. Should I stop and forget about him? Never look back, start moving forward once again in this journey where I keep on coming back and forth. I am stuck. It's a cycle, a loop, a paradox.
What do I pray for?
I pray why do You let this happen to me, falling again and again, and now for him. I know there is a purpose for this experience, but what is it? I want to know. I need to know. Now. Do I sound demanding? Oh, Lord, You know how much I pray for someone like him. I am aware of the uncertainty and I fear it. But the assurance that You are always there surpasses all the doubts I have in my mind and heart. I know You're in control, sovereign, almighty, and all. You are the end and the beginning. You're my God, my Lord, and Saviour.
Still, right now, I pray for him, his safety, good health, happiness, and all the best for his being. I want him to be joyful and rejoice in Your presence.
I pray for him.
Does he pray for me too?
I wonder.
And tonight, I am not crying. He made my night.
TYL. Again and again, I surrender.
When is the end season?
Oh how much, I look forward to that end season. The end of the waiting season. On these particular days of my life, I am, again, tired and sad and lonely and lost. It feels like I lost connection to someone important.
And right now I feel so not enough. I feel lacking and longing again.
There was this person who appeared in my life after many years. And all of a sudden I thought maybe he was the one sent by God. He brought hope and happy moments. I was genuinely happy during those spared times he spent with me.
He was on and off. He was active but never present. He was reacting but never communicating.
He was just there when it was convenient for him.
I knew there was something wrong. It was weird and I almost fell into the trap, once again.
I thought this kind of longing already disappeared and permanently vanished in my system, but it was there, that familiar feeling of wanting and impatience emerged once again and I felt ashamed.
I thought it was okay for me to stay single and alone but never lonely. I thought I was fine. I was joyful in the presence of God. I was rejoicing in good and bad times.
Then he appeared and brought doubt and pain.
I should not blame him. It was not his fault entirely. We played games where there are winners and losers.
The game was fun and all but losing was painful.
There were nights that I cried while asking God why I was never pursued especially by the one I liked. It had always been a one-sided thing. I even questioned my worth and forgot my identity in Christ. I asked Him if He intended me to be alone and lonely all the days of my life here on earth.
I doubted again and was guilty. This is not how I should be as a Christian. This is not me in Christ.
"Bruised but not broken," I remember my D-Group leader telling me this. This time maybe I am not broken, only bruised. All thanks to God's divine protection and preemptive action. I am saved always.
Another friend of mine said once again a wonderful reminder, "Being Christians doesn't mean we are always happy, there will be times when we will be disappointed and defeated, but what's important is we never let go of God's faithfulness and promises."
Life is tough and the life of a Christian is impossible. But God's grace is available to us through Jesus Christ and He will sustain us. It is not an easy road so don't ever let go of the eternal source of our strength and wisdom. Kapit lang kahit masheket friend, di rin Siya bibitaw, kaya connect agad kay God, always.
Have you been so out of place to the point of not knowing where to put yourself in the puzzle? Like you are lost and don't know where to go or what to do. As if you are looking for something or someone you don't even know as if you are so out of place on your own. Like there is that missing piece and you keep searching for it, but until now you haven't found it.
I have good news for you. You are exactly where you needed to be.
Well, our trip to Calatagan, Batangas seemed to help me solve that same puzzling thought in my head. Though I consider myself now a Christian, there are moments when I just couldn't be spirit-filled as I wanted to be. I think, do, or say things that are not really glorifying and pleasing to the Lord. In short, I feel not good enough sometimes, and there is lacking.
5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God,
The fellowship was a trip with the community of Singles in our church. At first, I was hesitant to join the group since the other ladies of the small group I belonged to were not able to participate due to a conflict of schedule. Anyway, I just did. I did join. hehe
There were moments in the whole fellowship experience that brought me to some realizations as reminders of what God has been showing me always.
1. God is in control.
Do not worry, instead pray. Taal Volcano had its fit during our travel to Calatagan. The alert text from NDRMMC gave us a heads up of what’s happening to Taal. We were alarmed. But instead of worrying, I decided to pray. I was positive all chose to pray rather than worry. What’s more powerful than any natural phenomenon, it’s none other than prayer.
Thank God, Taal Volcano calmed down and all was well. It is just a simple reminder that He is always in control, that if we surrender everything to Him, He knows exactly where and when it needed to be. He is, always and forever.
2. Spirit-filled men are attractive. Periodt.
No matter what the color, height, fashion sense, or career; pursuing Christ is the way to look attractive. I thought men who prioritize their relationship with God were less of a man than those who follow the worldly standards of being attractive. I had this notion that spiritually inclined men were less attractive than those men I could find on the internet, especially on the dating site or apps. I was proven wrong, my worldly thoughts of attractive men had always been wrong. There is humor in that realization and it is fulfilling. So whether your status is single or married, be attractive and there is only one way to do it, and you already know what I mean. *wink*
3. Washing the dishes is fun.
This might sound shallow to some, but I never thought that a household chore could be that fun! Not until I enjoyed washing the dishes alone and with the others as well. To be honest, it was also an escape from the thought of being out of place in that fellowship. I mean at least I had a task to do, I was not useless. I imposed it upon myself. haha. Perhaps, God made me do it. I felt like a homemaker while washing the dishes. hehe. Oh my, oh my... I could see hope while washing the dishes and realizing, I could do it, I could be a homemaker. Chariz... Thy will be done, still...
We played a lot of games and they were all hilarious. I also learned how to play UNO cards which I thought was a difficult game to learn, and the best part was I got to play it with my fellow singles. Well, I have to be honest again, this blog post is two months late but better late than never.
11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
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