It was morning and I was not feeling well. I felt cold and warm so I took a nap hoping the feeling would fade away. I prayed as I tried to get a little sleep to ease the cold and warmth I was feeling. It sounded ironic the way I put it, but if you are a normal human being this is exactly how you feel when you are about to get sick, you feel cold and hot. As I experienced this irony in my body, anxiety began to take over me about my plans for the first few days of 2021. I might put it behind and lose some finances due to my sickness. 

Episodes just like this in my life remind me of my humanity, that there is a weakness in me, that I am limited in different aspects, yet I know that I am enough for the purpose He has entrusted me. God has supplied and will supply whatever I need. This is also a loving nudge from God that I must learn to let go of the things I can't control and fully trusting Him that all things will work together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  

The year 2021 is not an exemption to the war that has been occurring even before I existed here on earth. A spiritual war has been going on since Satan rebelled against God. And the battleground for this war is our mind, thus we should fill our minds with good thoughts and ideas that edify us towards the kingdom of God.

Living a victorious life is never easy, surely there are times of failure and losses, but He is faithful and Christ is enough. He will bring comfort in our troubled times. He will be with us when we face tribulation in our life. He will not forsake us. The LORD is always with us. 

I am in the process of knowing God more and seeking Him to have that personal and intimate relationship. There are times that I waver and neglect my time with Him so I tried to improve some of my habits that will help me in my journey to know and experience Him more. I listed down below some of the materials that help me with this spiritual journey with God:

Ever since I decided to become a writer I always tend or prefer to pen down my thoughts and feelings in a notebook, but I was never consistent. Most of the time I just brush off the chances of penning down those thoughts and feelings. But the year 2020 made the difference, I was more determined to utilize my journal notebook in talking my thoughts and feelings with God. Hopefully, 2021 will bring the same determination as I continue to seek more of God. 

   

Recently, I began reading the Bible from the beginning, the book of Genesis. I was having trust issues with what the church was telling about Jesus. This was a struggle I opened to my Discipleship Group leader and other members. They prayed for me and gave references for me to watch, read, and meditate upon. Aside from reading the Bible, I thought it would be nice to have this everyday devotional book by Max Lucado.

3. Pens and Highlighters 

I use Dong-A Fine Tech, they are more affordable than its other competitor. I get the quality I want at a much lower price. It is also refillable. For highlighters, I have ones from Stabilo Boss and Schneider Job collections. I just need the basics for penning down my thoughts and feelings, and sometimes my conversations with God. I also tried writing stories and poems on notebooks, but it appears to me that I am not making any progress right now.

I know that you are also wondering about an answer to this question. Where can we go for our travel goals this 2020? During this time of the pandemic, many of us have already cancelled plans, be it related to our study, career, business, family, and a lot more things. We may feel disappointed by all these, maybe now is not the right time, maybe there is more perfect timing for our plans to happen. We may not understand why, but when it is time all will make sense. 

Every year before the year ends, I travel with a friend and as years go by, a friend turned to friends. We are growing and continue recruiting (that sounds so business-like haha). We like to travel for experience and 'feels'. Our experiences may not be always pleasant, but there are always the fun and happy parts of our journey. Seeing and feeling in the breathtaking view of God's wonderful creation is the best experience we can all share together. Meeting and observing people from different places is also a joy for us. We learn from them and from the places we set our foot on. It is a privilege, and we are thankful to God making these opportunities.        

This year-end travel has been a ritual going on for five years which started in 2015. Travelling to beautiful places was wishful thinking for us until we decided that 2015 should begin the journey and it went on until 2019. Maybe similar to your circumstance, we also silently decided all together (using our telepathic ability haha) that this year 2020 would make the difference. Not pushing through with our travel plans is for the best, and that is also silently agreed upon by everyone. During this pandemic, a lot of people struggle and we are not excused to those challenges. We can only pray and try our best to help others the best we can. We are limited, but we know God is limitless. He is sovereign and still in control. 

This year 2020, we were supposed to go to Romblon, since one of our travel buddies slash colleagues slash friend is from this beautiful place. We are aware of its wonders and beauty through our social media accounts. Photos are posted on the different travel-themed group page on Facebook. We are in awe just by looking at the pictures and we still look forward to seeing Romblon in person, certainly not this year, but we are hopeful this coming 2021. 

So our travel goal in 2020 is at the gym (haha), but we will see you soon Romblon!

August 5, 2020, was the day when this book arrived in an LBC branch near our area. This was shipped with the other 21 books. Most of them were preloved and old copies, mostly had tanned pages already, there at least 5 new books out of those 21 books. I was so excited about opening the package in my office/bookstore, I felt satisfied at first knowing I got the best deal for 500 pesos from the purchase I did through one of my personal social media accounts, but gradually as I looked at books I realized that these were not books I saw posted on that social media account of the seller. I began to feel disappointed and dissatisfied with my purchase. My mind was clouded with negative thoughts and I felt cheated. Without confirming and rationalizing my thoughts and conclusions, I sent a message of complaint to the seller and accused him of sending me the wrong bundle of books. Our conversation went on as I continued to lash out my concerns in a manner that was not very nice, yet on the other end, the seller appeared to be calm as he tried to explain and resolve my issues. I was turned off toward myself with the way I dealt with him in those circumstances, I was ashamed of myself for jumping to a negative conclusion. I thought to myself that was not so Jesus-like. As we went on with our conversation, it turned out that I received the correct books we both agreed upon. The original bundle of books I wanted to buy was sold out and he informed me in advance, so I decided to buy a different bundle of books he offered to me. I forgot that part of the deal and was not mindful enough not to jump into wrong accusations. I was so ashamed of myself, I was rude and wrong. All I could think of and do during that time was to apologize and he accepted it. 

Because of that incident, I was reminded again of WWJD which stands for What Would Jesus Do. Before jumping to any conclusion, I should ask this question to myself, if not always, at least most of the time. I was impulsive during that time, I thought I had overcome that stronghold. I know that overcoming strongholds needs moment by moment surrendering to Jesus. Every day, we battle with forces unseen. There is a spiritual war that is happening around us, thus we have to be on guard with God's Word.

The Jesus Movement by Edward E. Plowman is a record of accounts of how people in some parts of America got to know Jesus as the solution to all the problems that the human race faces right now. I would like to see a world where we love like Jesus did, care for others how Jesus did, all the things He did while He was here on earth to set an example for all of us, for our sake. I am aware that it is not that simple, I myself have a lot of struggles and have this uncertainty sometimes if I can be Jesus-like. Yet, I have this assurance that in Him everything is possible. That through Him, it is possible to finish this race if I continue to seek His kingdom first. I try to consistently meditate on the Scriptures day and night and do my journal. These are the little things I do so I can stay on the track and run the race He has set for me. I am trying to live a Spirit-filled life because without it continuing the race will be impossible for me. Only through Jesus, I will be able to go on and finish the race. My prayer always is that I will depend on and trust Him in everything, and obey everything He has commanded me. May I always have a heart that seeks only Him. My LORD and Saviour. The Source of my strength.

Satan may be louder, but Jesus is much, much stronger. Jesus lives and has defeated the enemy. 

Ever since I got a glimpse of this book at one of the branches of PCBS here in our place, that was maybe 5 years ago when I had the desire to grab that book and walk straight to the cashier to pay for it, and hid it in my bag until I made it to the seclusion of my room at home. That was my plan. A perfect plan to avoid skeptics in noticing the kind of book I just decided to buy. In conclusion, I was ashamed to be seen buying the book, when a good God allows rape by Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza. 

'I was not rape, why would I buy that kind of book,' these were exactly my thoughts. I didn't experience that grave offense from my violator. I was fine. I am still a virgin. There was no penetration that occurred, so I was really fine to compare to what Joy experience from her offenders. I believed I was on the gentler side of the crime. I believed I should just brush it off and move on with my life as if nothing happened when I was just a child when he touched me. We were family after all. I didn't want to cause an uproar, chaos, or anarchy in our family even though we were not on good terms with some of them, still, I didn't want to make an issue about it. The fact that it happened more than two decades ago and that I didn't have any evidence of the incident left fear in me that no one would believe that it happened to me. I was in denial all those years of my inner struggles. 

Years had passed and I grew up with a lot of issues within me, all of them unresolved and unjustified. I never opened to my parents or even to my friends in high school and college, I was ashamed and felt dirty though I continued to thrive. Our family struggled with poverty as they pursued our education, and  I didn't want to burden my parents by telling them all my unresolved and unjustified issues within me. 

I thought I was still pure. Penetration never occurred. If my memory served me right, it didn't happen. Yet he touched me, and that left an unfamiliar sensation. I desired it, to the point of starving and thirsting for that sensation. Yet I never wanted to let anyone touch me that way, ever again. I felt disgusted just thinking about it, a man touching me. I felt gross, dirty, and frightened. Yet I still desire for that sensation. That thirst continued to grow until my adolescent years all the way to my adulthood. The adolescent years let me discovered that God hated what I was doing to myself during one of the many Bible studies I attended, and I was no longer pure, I was a sinner, I was doomed. God would never forgive me. 

I was seeking that One true God in my adolescence, but I kept on sinning. There were times that I felt victorious over that sin yet I always went back to square one every time I gave in to my desire. Yet. Yet, most of the time I gave in and thought that I was a hopeless case, there was no hope for me. I gave up seeking God knowing that I could never win against my earthly desire.

In my adulthood, I felt a little wiser and confident. I had acquired a stable job with a reasonable salary and began to explore the world with a little bit of courage. I had this idea in mind that everything is possible now that I am an adult. I dreamed big and came up with making it big as an author, a writer. I'd like to write stories from my wild imagination. From this writing journey, I discovered that sex is okay from a worldly perspective, but I strongly believed in marriage-before-sex. I kept my chastity and never had a boyfriend. 

I was tormented all those years of dealing with my sin and guilt. There were days I was doing fine and there were also days I was a mess. I had episodes of suicidal thoughts every now and then. I was living a double life now that I looked back at it. I was trying so hard pleasing God in my own way, yet I could not even surrender my earthly desire. 

At this point in time, I still have struggles but I am no longer alone. I am fighting a good fight with my Savior and Redeemer, the perfecter of my faith, Jesus Christ. He has saved me and forgave all of my sins from the past, present, and future.  I no longer running the race on my own strength, but with the strength that is found only in Jesus. He brought me out of the darkness, and shed light on my life. 

When a good God allows rape reaffirms that my God is faithful to those who love Him. That my struggles and the pain it caused me are nothing compared to what He has in store for me. He is a faithful and purposeful God. 

~Romans 8:28